This is the last “Ask Kari” column for Issaquah Highlands media. I have been blessed to write this column for almost 10 years! I have so enjoyed answering readers’ questions and being part of our community’s media. “Ask Kari” will continue, but in other formats. Thank you for your support and taking time to read my column. I hope you learned something new, saw something relatable to your life, and were able to recognize that we as human beings have so much in common, look for the connection with others in the world around us.
Best wishes and be well,
Help, I am feeling so lonely and defeated about finding love. I am looking for someone to share my life with, but I can’t seem to find the right person. I tried online dating and going to local bars or sports activities, but I still have not met anyone who interests me or vice versa. I have even gone on a few blind dates this year. I am tired of spending the holidays alone. I want to have a Valentine this year – what am I doing wrong?
– Looking for Love
Dear Looking for Love,
I do believe it can be hard to find love today. We communicate so much through technology that we have lost some in-person opportunities to meet people and create natural connections. You did not state your age or relationship history, so I will just make some general suggestions.
First, think about what you want in a partner and follow up with what you offer a potential partner. This exercise should take some time. The list should have three to five things that most matter to you in connection with who you are, how you live your life, and what most speaks to your heart.
Second, make sure you are out in the community doing things: taking walks, volunteering, and meeting friends since being out and about lets us see the world and allows us to be part of it, leading to opportunities to meet people of interest (including potential romantic partners).
Third, if you meet someone of interest, talk to them by phone without texting. Texting does not allow us to hear the human voice and respond appropriately. Often communication gaps develop in this setting, along with unreasonable expectations about how often someone should be contacting us through text.
Lastly, remember that real relationships take time to develop, but chemistry is usually there from the beginning. Chemistry is needed to make a connection last and will not go away if you allow time to pass.
I wish you good luck in your journey, and I wish you future love.
I saw my best friend’s husband on Tinder looking to hook up and date people. What should I do? Do I tell her? If I tell my best friend her husband is cheating, I am scared I will lose our friendship. Help, please tell me what to do.
– A Friend with a Secret
Dear A Friend with a Secret,
I would not tell your friend about finding her husband on Tinder at this time. I feel you could put your friendship at risk and lose someone you care deeply about in your life. If you tell her, she may feel embarrassed and end contact with you, or she may already know her husband has relationships with others and chooses to ignore it/accept it out of fear of losing her marriage.
It’s hard for me to assess without knowing your friend personally, but I have treated many patients with this issue in my practice, and it’s a very delicate situation. In the future, if your friend shares her husband has been cheating, you might want to share your findings with her at that time since you would not be the first person to bring the matter out into the open.
I wish you and your friend well. Be a support system for her until these matters have more clarity.
Kari O’Neill, MSW, LICSW, is a licensed independent clinical social worker and the owner of Issaquah Highlands Counseling Group.
This column is for entertainment purposes only. If you are in crisis and in need of support, please contact the Crisis Clinic at 866-427-4747.